Sunday, February 28, 2010
As I glanced in the mirror friday evening, I saw far more than a concealer-caked face, sticky, aqua net curls, and an unnaturally rosy complexion. Behind my contemplative and remote expression, my distracted laughter and anxiety creased brows was my past.I saw the giant microphone taped on my ear, that made me feel oh so professional and authentic as I prepared for my seventh grade role and my first ever solo, my tear-mascara streaked cheeks after an especially stern lecture from Mrs. Poletti during Charlie Brown crunch time, my fever sweats and child-induced headaches of Peter Pan, my wide, naive, and bewildered eyes decked with too much mascara as I listened to the big eighth grade girls during my 5th grade play talk about boys and makeup and microphones and ALL the lines they had to memorize, my frustration as I studied through tedious Our Town rehearsals, my pin-curls unfurling as I cackled and giggled and gushed to the point of tears during the most chaotic yet fulfilling and vivacious Musical Comedy Murders performance as we reminisced on successful improv and our crazed and captivated opening night audience, I saw layers upon layers of aquanet, pin curls, drama drama, hugs, tears, fevers, flushed faces of shame yet secret enjoyment as we accidentally insulted, offended and flashed the audience, caricatures in dry erase on the dressing room mirror, off-key a capella of RENT, Spring Awakening and Glee, inside jokes, gawking at creepy cast guys, crushes on cast guys, endless songs, endless laughter.
Yet the nostalgia I felt as I glanced in the mirror that evening wasn't the pleasant revisiting of plays past or scrolling through theatre Facebook albums. It was wistful, premature, and far more bitter than bittersweet. I felt an encroaching end, that simply felt surreal. I continued to stare vacantly and introspectively reminisce, mechanically curling my hair. My only connection t realty of the tech crew calling time, time until my last opening night and the senior circle. It didn't feel sad though. Just, unfulfilling. No overwhelming feeling of nostalgia, no clinging to every moment or just missing it, but lack of satisfaction. I just felt sort of upset and jipped. I wish I could relive it, and I wish I could do it differently. Whether the times I stressed over scenes when I struggled with timing, dropped out because of stress or succumbed to my parents' haranguing, I feel too detached. Even if by random strokes of luck and opportunity I manage to involve myself in theatre still, it will never be like this. My parents will never go to my shows and my friends that watched me stress after long practices or shine after successful performances will never make me paper flowers, I'll never have a plate of Perkins pancakes awaiting me afterwards or an evening of insiders and discussions of crappy audiences and missed cues and funny improved bits with the people that I've grown so close to, through amazing shows, snow disasters, unpleasant parts and triumphant solos. No one will understand the utter creepiness of the "Humble" ritual, the remarkable success of a fragmented compiled civil war script, the caffeine-induced hysterics of musical comedy murder late-nights. No matter what communities that I identify with, immerse myself in, dance, sing, act, laugh, and cry with, they will never equate to St. Mary's Theatre, where I found a voice, and found a family.
“I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being.”
-Oscar Wilde
Measuring life in love at.7:54 PM
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Jenny (by the time you read this, I'll likely have graduated, so really, it should be fineeee if I call you jenny), I need to R-A-N-T.Remember when, despite my miniscule fraction of a role in the spring play, I still couldn't perform in shakespeare competition?
Remember how I reallly reallllly realllllllly wanted to participate, considering I have never been able to before, and this is my last year and I didn't get to audition?
Sydney Sanford is now replacing Alexandra in the play, and now has a larger part than I do.
She is also SMS's nominee for Shakespeare Competition.
She also had the lead in White Christmas.
I realize this is simply a 'life isn't fair' moment. That is precisely why I'm lamenting in a blog, rather than calling you in a frenzy or wailing about it in performance arts. I realize this is simply how I played out, but the combination of me having a miniscule part in my senior play, not being about to participate, and just generally not fulfilling what I wanted my high school theatre experience to become, as a wide-eyed, dreamy little fourth grader in drama camp or even a feverish, tired freshman, enduring the flu and 100,000,000,o00 youngins because it was all a part of working your way up, all a part of the experience.
This moment was cemented last night during my Harvard interview (hah...'cause I'm DEFINITELY matriculating at Harvard University. pahahaaa). The hyper-intimidating ex-Marine admissions officer curtly noted that "[I] spent quite a lot of time with theatre."
And I have. I have, but as I look back on my memories, as of late they've been quite disappointing. No fault but mine of course, but I just replaying the past year over and over and over and over in my head. Is this what theatre has become in my life? A brief scene, a few laughs, and idle chatter in the green room?
I want monologues that mean something. The small casts that bond and even through long and downright frustrating and unbearable all-nighter rehearsals enjoy what they're creating and doing and still reminisce and belt the opening number years later. That is what theatre was to me, and I've somehow lost. Blame it on nerves, inability, lack of time, general lack of talent, etc etc. Its gone.
Measuring life in love at.1:55 PM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Hurray! 15 post! 15 15 15!
I'm currently in performance arts....enjoying the peace and quiet before the mass of freshmen invade the solace of the green room. As....overwhelming as they all are, I cannot help but fondly admire their energy and passion, anticipation for the years ahead.As hyperactive and crazy as they are, I'm thrilled to think that the SMS theatre dept. will at least be in capable hands.
Oh man...here there come.
Measuring life in love at.10:38 AM
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Bonnie Hopkins and I are in the process of writing "DEGRASSI: The Musical!"Waste of Time? Perhaps.
Do I care? Not in the least! Second Semester Senioritis all overrr
Ideas--
Because this super melodramatic canadian teen drama is super full of huge conflicts, we've decided to write the thing 'in medias res'
The beginning will feature an instrumental version of the theme music as the prelude, transitioning to a minor key as the lights go down
We will then see snapshots of some of the fun little conflicts in degrassi
-rick's abuse relationship with terri, terri running away from rick, the the degrassi gang chasing him angrily
-craigs mood issues
-emma with her family, manny kicked out
-liberty and jt--pregnancy test
-paige and teacher crush walk by, followed by jay and alex
Soon, entire cast ends up on stage, for a toptapping opening number, loosely based on he theme music
moreeee laterrr!
Measuring life in love at.6:22 PM
My latest theatre-relevant rift with my father:Father: "Well...you know you're not going to college to do that theatre crap."
Me: with some hostility "Yes, dad. I realize. It isn't as if you've told me this 1000000 times. I won't major in it, but I will still take theatre relevant classes and participate."
Father: "I don't want to waste my money on that crap. There is no money in acting."
Me: "Not everything is about money, DAD. I would so much rather have a career than pays a moderate amount that I absolutely love and look forward to doing every day than one that bores me but pays 6 or 7 figures. And theatre is not and never will be a waste. It isn't as if I'm just dancing in a chorus. Acting, Backstage work, Design etc. all takes a considerable amount of focus, energy, discipline, and creativity, colleges and the rest of the world will acknowledge it as a valid out and expenditure of my time, even if you don't."
Touche.
Measuring life in love at.2:03 PM
“I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being.”
-Oscar Wilde
I wish I had found this quotation earlier, It is, essentially, what I based my theatre college essay on.
That is what theatre is.
Theatre is everything we are. It is emotion, it is detachment from emotion. It is life, death, the grey area in between. It is our stories, our past, present and future. It is morality and immorality. It is bliss and devastation and the high points and low points of everything we are as human beings.
It amplifies all the we experience yet cannot always understand. It is what I've always known, but could not always identify.
It is a cultural centerpiece to the Greeks, criticism for George Bernard Shaw, a mirror to all that we are to Shakespeare and everyone else.
It is all that we are. All that I am.
Measuring life in love at.1:55 PM
mmm....I never said anything about white xmas....I sp'ose I could prattle about that for a bit...I didn't really do anything
I do enjoy doing hair and makeup and pinning costumes etc etc
But after Naziyya had a minor meltdown over the prospect of me assisting her in stage management, I decided the drama factor wasn't worth it to me. So I essentially sat backstage and set for preshow and all of that.
I really am not into backstage work, not for US plays anyways. *sigh*
I also...never saw the show? That I realize is my fault, and I regret it, cause I did have time to at least creep backstage and watch bits of it
Still...I guess that play was very much about waiting for it to be over
and waiting for the next play
not exactly the philosophy I intended to embrace for my last senior play, especially now that I have such an itty bitty part in FOTB.
Time for a new philosophy?
"...And that's my new philosophy!"
Measuring life in love at.1:49 PM