Remember when, despite my miniscule fraction of a role in the spring play, I still couldn't perform in shakespeare competition?

Remember how I reallly reallllly realllllllly wanted to participate, considering I have never been able to before, and this is my last year and I didn't get to audition?

Sydney Sanford is now replacing Alexandra in the play, and now has a larger part than I do.

She is also SMS's nominee for Shakespeare Competition.

She also had the lead in White Christmas.

I realize this is simply a 'life isn't fair' moment. That is precisely why I'm lamenting in a blog, rather than calling you in a frenzy or wailing about it in performance arts. I realize this is simply how I played out, but the combination of me having a miniscule part in my senior play, not being about to participate, and just generally not fulfilling what I wanted my high school theatre experience to become, as a wide-eyed, dreamy little fourth grader in drama camp or even a feverish, tired freshman, enduring the flu and 100,000,000,o00 youngins because it was all a part of working your way up, all a part of the experience.

This moment was cemented last night during my Harvard interview (hah...'cause I'm DEFINITELY matriculating at Harvard University. pahahaaa). The hyper-intimidating ex-Marine admissions officer curtly noted that "[I] spent quite a lot of time with theatre."

And I have. I have, but as I look back on my memories, as of late they've been quite disappointing. No fault but mine of course, but I just replaying the past year over and over and over and over in my head. Is this what theatre has become in my life? A brief scene, a few laughs, and idle chatter in the green room?

I want monologues that mean something. The small casts that bond and even through long and downright frustrating and unbearable all-nighter rehearsals enjoy what they're creating and doing and still reminisce and belt the opening number years later. That is what theatre was to me, and I've somehow lost. Blame it on nerves, inability, lack of time, general lack of talent, etc etc. Its gone.

Measuring life in love at.1:55 PM